Note from Emma
When my Dad died back in 2009 I was working freelance as a writer and editor, and caring for two small children. I really didn’t know how to cope.
I had two main clients at the time, and I’d worked with both of them for a while. One was great. She gently stopped me as I was explaining how I would deal with the work that was due, and told me not to worry about anything – just go away and get back in touch when I was ready.
The other, whilst sympathetic, listened to me promising that I would be back at my desk later that week to finish some work and said ‘well if you’re sure ….’.
I regretted that promise later. Although I did get the work done, I wished I had set clearer boundaries and given myself more time to process what had happened.
By the time my best friend died during the pandemic, I was working in-house for a bereavement charity. My bosses (as you’d hope) were great at giving me the time and support I needed to be with her while she was ill and with her family immediately after.
Knowing more about grief and bereavement didn’t take away the pain, but it did help – just a little – to know what to expect. Many strange and powerful feelings and symptoms can come with bereavement, in no particular order (and definitely not in a set five stages!). Now that I’m working for myself again, I’m pleased to have this chance to share some of what I’ve learned with the freelance community.
If you’re going through grief right now, I’m so sorry. I hope you can find some helpful information here to help you get through this difficult time.
And if you’re not in this situation it’s always worth thinking ahead just in case. No one wants to spend time thinking about the death of someone close to them, but a bit of preparation for emergencies in general can really help if/when the worst does happen (and give you some peace of mind in the meantime).
Early days
It’s very difficult to know what to expect in the early days after someone dies. Bereavement brings a whole range of emotional and physical effects that are different for everyone.
Even if the death was expected it can be a real shock, and the effects can sometimes be unexpected and even frightening. Some people are overwhelmed with difficult emotions, but others can feel numb for quite some time.
- It’s much easier said than done, but try and take things one step at a time and don’t expect too much.
- If you have friends and family around, let them help. Make a list of things that need doing and keep it to hand in case someone asks if there’s anything they can do.
- You’ll probably feel better if you stick roughly to a routine of eating healthily and sleeping – but don’t be hard on yourself if you can’t.
- It’s common to need to go over and over the events leading up to the death, and you may also find yourself looking for the person, or even hearing or seeing them.
If the person who died is an immediate family member, you may have practical tasks to work through. There’s a lot to be done, from registering the death, planning a funeral or memorial and dealing with anything the person left behind. The Moneysaving Expert site has a good checklist and timeline of what needs to be done and when.
Emma’s free Break Glass in case of Emergency training plan has a lot of great advice on how to prepare for and cope with emergencies. It includes email templates for communicating with clients which you can adapt and use. You don’t have to give your clients more details than you are comfortable with, but try and be clear about what they can expect, and don’t overpromise.
Editor note from Emma
Refer – If you don’t think you’ll be able to support them for a while, can you bring in another freelancer to sub for you, or refer the work out to them?
Reschedule – If your client is happy to pause work or push it back to give you some time, reschedule is a good option.
Refund – If you can’t reschedule and can’t bring in another freelancer, you may have to consider refunding.
The most important thing, is to communicate. Grief and mourning doesn’t work on a set schedule, but you may find it useful to set a date to check back in with your clients so it’s not looming over you as a To Do item.
After some time has passed
Before I was bereaved or knew much about grief, I thought (if I thought at all) that it was something that started intensely, and slowly resolved over time. One of the most helpful things I learned was that the sadness of grief, and even the intensity, can hit you with the same force weeks, months and years later. Generally, though, it does become easier to cope and you get more breaks between waves of feeling. A time comes when you can remember the happier times without it becoming overwhelming. You grow around your grief, rather than getting over it.
Depending on what you do, working freelance might give you a bit more flexibility to work around the times you feel most able to cope. But it can also bring additional pressures. Employees may have colleagues around them to help out and be supportive. Compassionate leave can be limited, even for in-house staff, but there can be better sick pay to fall back on.
If you’re freelance, it can be balancing act to keep clients happy, while not overstretching yourself and risking burn out. As always it’s best if you can communicate realistically and in good time if there are going to be any delays.
If you’re finding that your income has taken a hit, and you need help with finances, Emma’s emergency toolkit includes a resource guide for accessing financial support and benefits.
When to look for help
It’s very normal to be feeling grief strongly during the whole of the first year and beyond. There’s no timeline for grieving, and it’s definitely not a linear process. Talking about how you feel can help. Many people find they can manage with the help of family and friends.
But if you’re lacking people to speak to, or really struggling, it might be time to look into getting some extra support or professional help.
There are a few warning signs to look out for, especially if they are still happening with no change after months or years have passed. Here are some signs you shouldn’t ignore.
- You feel very ‘stuck’ in your grief
- You don’t enjoy any of the things you used to enjoy before
- You can’t work, get out of bed, or manage your other day-to-day responsibilities
- You feel very unhappy and distressed all the time
- You feel very numb, or you avoid thinking about the person who died at all
- You feel like you don’t want to go on living, or feel people might better off without you.
Where to look for help
There is help out there. It can come in many different forms, from reading books and websites, visiting forums, calling a helpline, going to support groups or investigating individual counselling. If one thing doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to try something else.
Your GP can be one place to start. They may be able to signpost you to other local services or for NHS support (but there are often long waiting lists for talking therapies).
The Grief Support Guide outlines a wide variety of bereavement support available.
At a Loss brings together over 2,000 local and national bereavement services, filtered according to preference, location and need.
The Good Grief Trust is a bereavement support network bringing together over 900 charities and services.
Childhood Bereavement Network provides advice and guidance for bereaved children, young people, their families and communities. They have a searchable map to find support in your area.
Cruse Bereavement Support offers a freephone helpline and has local branches in England and Wales offering one-to-one support.
Sue Ryder offers free video counselling and has an online community forum.
Marie Curie has a helpline and offers ongoing support over the phone from a bereavement volunteer.
Samaritans [samaritans.org 116 123] is open 24 hours a day if you need urgent help.
Therapy directories
If you think private counselling might help, the following directories offer a place to start. Check the therapist is registered with a professional body and has expertise dealing with bereavement. Prices can vary, but therapists often offer a free call or first session so you can find out about their approach. Therapy can be very personal, so don’t feel bad about speaking to several people to make sure you connect and can work together.
Want to feel prepared?
About Kate Mitchell
Kate Mitchell is a freelance writer and editor specialising in grief, bereavement and other sensitive topics. She helps organisations communicate clearly and with compassion to clients and customers going through difficult times.
You can find her on LinkedIn or at katemitchellcontent.com
